It feels like this book was written specifically for me. I know most people would probably raise the point that it’s only directed towards women but I think it’s important and that everyone can learn  something from. It’ll teach you how to be kind to yourself and give you a no-nonsense guide on how to embrace what you’re feeling and becoming that “best version of yourself”.

feeling like shit - How to stop Andrea Owen | Dylankyang Book Review

How To Stop Feeling Like Sh*T

Andrea Own

Feelings? Whachu Talking About

Now I don’t know about you guys, but for me feelings were always something you’d never talk about. You kinda just took those things shoved it as far back as possible and try your best to forget they existed. Don’t get it your way? Soft. Hurt Feelings? Nah it’s light, we’ll use it as motivation. Broken heart? shove it. We’re stronger without our feelings… or so we think. 

Expressing Your Feelings Make You Strong

Not something I think I’d ever say since I’ve been the exact opposite for the majority of my life. I’ve never been one to address my thoughts or feelings because I’ve always felt that I’m too privileged to complain about anything. It kinda became part of who I was, and I don’t know how to do anything other than. But, I don’t want to be like that any more. So, although I can’t promise you that doing any of this will have immediate change in your life. I truly believe this book gives us a great set of actionable items we can take for us to change our lives and learn how to deal with what we’re feeling.

Hearing Your Inner Critic

We’re so quick to fight our negative self-talk, say f*ck you to the bully version of ourselves and then just “power through it”. But this book is the first place I’ve ever heard anyone say “be kind to yourself“. I know it’s crazy because in real life I don’t think I’d ever be okay with this approach. But when it’s yourself, I think it truly makes sense. And we need to hear this more, so one more time: you need to be kind to yourself.

The thoughts we usually have are like:
  • You look likeshit
  • You’re waste, why you so outta shape
  • Why would you even try? You suck at ___
  •  You suck, You’re not important, you’re dumb, you’re a total failure!

Or if it’s not negative self-talk you’re having, when you think about going after something big your brain automatically assumes it’s not going to go well. And what’s our immediate  solution? We don’t do it. (lol trusssttttt I do this wayyy to often.)

So, Where Does This Come From?
  • Family: Usually well-meaning help can make us feel inadequate
  • Culture: Subconsciously (or even consciously) we set up expectations for of ourselves that we can’t reach and then obviously we don’t feel of value. Often set/triggered by what we think society wants of us.

How To Fix It

  1. Notice the negative self-talk
  2. Knowing your triggers
  3. Consistent practice of our tools

1. Noticing what you're feeling

Personally, I don’t even know when my negative self-talk happens so the fact that Andrea has an exercise for you to address your feelings is super helpful.

Write down what your inner-critic says about each of these:
  • Family/Relationship: Not capable of providing/helping, not present, wasting and using up resources, a burden, a negative dark cloud
  • Friendships: Never there, always missing, a negative dark cloud, unreliable, 
  • Body: weak, not healthy, low energy, lethargic,
  • Mind: weak
  • Work: none, non-existent
  • The Past: nothing
  • The Future: nothing

So yeah that’s pretty f*cked up that thats all going on in my head and I’m just tryna ignore that shit. But just like with an episode of hoarders, you can’t clean things up if you can see where the mess is. So let’s light this b*tch up!

So I See Them... These are not good feelings. What do I do?

Now that we see them, it’s a good thing. But like i said before, I’ve been like this for the majourity of my life. Change is not going to happen easy. We can’t just miraculously expect us to be perfect after making this list and be able to get on right away. Even after the exercise my brain is still gonna be going on with messed up thoughts like:

  • wow you really f*cked that chance up. We’ll have to work harder on the next one to prove to them how good you are
  • wow that’s all you’re benching? somebody needs to be hitting the gym or youre gonna be scrawny forever

And well the outcome of this internal beat-down is right here, this diminished and destroyed self-confidence version of myself. So just keep noticing them and just keep writing them down every time you see them! That’s all we need to focus on, one thing at a time

2. Knowing Your Triggers

Deep down whether you’ll admit it or not, we have a biological instinct to want to belong or be a part of something. And sometimes we get triggers that tell us we’re not. and that sucks. it makes us feel inadequate or not enough. We don’t measure up to what we expect of ourselves and those triggers are just highlighting it matter of factly. So what do we do about this?

Going through the same list we write down and underline what we would never want anyone to describe us as:
  • Family/Relationship: Not capable of providing/helping, not present, wasting and using up resources, a burden, a negative dark cloud, irresponsible
  • Friendships: Never there, always missing, a negative dark cloud, unreliable
  • Body: weak, not healthy, low energy, lethargic,
  • Mind: weak, broken
  • Work: none, non-existent, unmotivated, not-driven, passive, lost potential, broken, 
  • The Past: nothing, lost potential,
  • The Future: nothing, bleak
Now ask yourself what does that mean?

Why is it important to not be seen that way? We’re not changing thoughts right now. We just need to understand why we even think the way we do.

Burden/Irresponsible:

I hate being a burden, I try my best to help where I can. I think if I’m perceived as a burden it will make my parents feel like i take them forgranted. But it’s not, I’m extremely appreciative of everything they’ve been able to give me. And I want to prove to them that I’ve taken full advantage of it and have put us in a better situation for it. but if all im doing is using up resources it means that I’m a failure and I havent been able to do anything with my life. I think this also equates with being irresponsible because well if i haven’t become successful yet wtf have i been doing? I don’t know I don;t have an answer for that. I suppose I could be working a full-time job but then I’ve felt distant with my family/personal relationships and I prioritize that higher than anything else so I guess that’s my answer.

Unreliable

I’ve been mia on my friends but I suppose I’ve also been mia to myself. So if I can’t even befriend myself obviously befriending friends is difficult. At least my friends understand where I’m at and that my head is always spinning so theres not much explaining that needs to be done, I just need to show up.

Weak/Broken

Yea I think this is like something deep within my head. but I’m not weak, I power through whatever I can and that’s probably why I’ve always shoved my emotions down because as a dude you always had to be “strong”. But by shoving your emotions down I’m now thinking that’s weak so I guess im at a dillemma of the old me vs new thinking. and I do everything i can to help the ones i love so im not weak. I’m always there. Always.

Unmotivated/Not Driven:

 I’ve always been a hustler, why stop now. I’ve always been the first to get shit done when shit needs to be done but why am I slow now. I know that i can be great. i know that i can do alot of things but my spark is gone. my fire is gone. so why would i never want to be called this? well then how the hell am i suppose to get anything done? if im these things then i truly am a failure. and thats not who i want to be.

So Those Are My Triggers

We jump on auto attack the second we fall. and we don’t need to beat ourselves up for it, it happens. It’s not a big deal, forgive yourself, apologize and keep going. you don’t need to tell yourself youre awesome (this doesn’t work for me, my mind smells bs from a mile away). Just acknowledge the trigger, know why your thoughts are the way they are and then speak kindly to yourself. SELF-COMPASSION. Just address yourself like how teachers address bullies. Be Kind.

How Do We Fix This

  • Notice when you are being unkind to yourself
  • Realize you’ve been triggered so you can identify your reactions 
  • Speak to yourself with kindness. No need to go overboard just give yourself some slack.

Basically you telling them, not today, it’s all good. I hear you but it happens and we just gotta deal with it and keep on going. (notice we’re not shoving down the emotions bottle, we’re just kindly acknowledging them and then continuing)

but I don't feel like that's enough

same. It doesn’t feel much different as shoving it away so whats the difference? I think it’s the noticing and acknowledgment part. so I’m going to be writing them down so i can visually see them going on. Then I’m going to follow up with these questions:

  • What am I making up about this?
  • What am I really afraid of here?
  • Is this true?

And that’s all. Just remember to be KIND

“Be kind. You’re meeting parts of yourself you’ve been at war with “

Carol Emery Normandi and Laurelee Roark | It’s Not About Food​

More Exercises To Be Kind To Yourself

  • Write a support letter to yourself. Think of the last time you felt like a failure and tell yourself what you would tell a friend to make them feel better or vice versa. Write from a place of love and compassion. 
  • Write a letter of apology to yourself. Let yourself know you are going to be kinder to yourself, and share how you’re going to change things in the future.

What does this all mean? Truthfully all we’re trying to do is to forgive ourselves. It’s not a step by step process and it’s going to take time. go through the feelings; shame, guilt, whatever it is, feel the feelings and let it happen. 

3. Practice Your Tools

Those are it! Keep trying, it’ll take time but you got it going on. 

  • Write down what your triggers are
  • Explain to yourself what that means
  • Try catching it when it happens and if you can speak kindly to yourself
  • Speak to yourself like a friend
  • Apologize to yourself
  • Forgive yourself

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • What do you tend to beat yourself up the most about?
  • What does your inner ccritic specifically say?
  • Are you able to pin-point where your negative self-talk comes from? If so, where?
  • Do you have any triggers you can control? If so, what will you do about them?
  • Is there anything you need to forgive youself for? If so what will you commit to doing about it?

Stop Playin ISO

Sure we might be more “connected” in different ways but in the modern world we are more alone then ever before. 

  • you need your friends

How To Find Your Squad

Trust sometimes it’s tough to take the medicine. And sometimes it might hurt to reveal these parts you been hiding but you need to see the mess if you tryna clean it so, some question that’ll help is:

  • Who is your support group?
    • If you had to tell someone all that shit that’s been going on in your head, whatever you’re feeling, who would it be?
The Thoughts That Stop Us
  • No one wants to hear about my problems
  • Nobody has these issues. I’m too embarrassed  to tell them
  • I can deal with this on my own
  • They’re too busy to deal with my shit. I don’t wanna bother them
  • I’m already such a downer around everyone why would I add more
  • lol I’m not tryna face judgement, I know im shit
  • I’m already a burden why would i burden people with more of my thoughts
  • I’m not weak
  • lol I don’t want to feel these feeling
  •  
How to Dig Further

Trust… Nobody wants to dig this shit up but it really helps you get over this hump. So you can keep going as is or try to do this and see if it helps. I’m pretty sure it will so just give it a shot. You got nothing to lose. Ask yourself:

  • Why do I hide out and isolate myself?
  • What do I think might happen if I reach out?
  • What are my specific fears about that?

 

How To Fix It

We need to learn to be empathetic. For the good of yourself and to be a better friend. Something I never knew was that sometimes people just want to be heard out. I’ve always been the type to jump into solutions but I didn’t know that we can just sit and listen sometimes and that’s pretty much what it is. Talk about how things feel and hear the feeling.

How do we know that we’re not the most empathetic? Because we all have friends like and we’ve probabkly also been like: The One-Upper, The pooh-pooh-er, the at least-er, the fixer, the gasper, and it’s about me-er

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • Do you feel like you hide out and isolate when things get hard in your life? If so, why?
  • Do you have” compassionate witnesses” in your life? If not, can you think of people who have ptoential? If so, who are they and what makes them your compassionate witness?
  • Do you need to do a “cleanup” of your friendships and work on intentionally nurturing one or two of them that you have currently?
  • Can you commit to practicing empathy? How will you do that?
  • If you’re really struggling in the area of friendship, how can you take care of yourself regarding your inner critic?

 

Gimme drink, Gimme smoke?

Bottom Line I Can't Cope

I mean J. Cole said it best. 

 I wrote this shit to talk about the word addiction…What I’m trying to say is the blame can go deep as seas / Just to blame ’em all I would need like 20 CDs … Type of shit that normally would call for therapy / But you know just how it go in our community / Keep that shit inside it don’t matter how hard it be.

Emotions are hard fam. Nobody wants to deal with what they’re feeling, but there are better ways to cope than drugs, alcohol and zoning out. Because to me the only negative ones were drugs and alcohol so I stopped that but it also leads to a negative habit which is like emotionally and physically checking out.

What is Checking Out?

Trust the second you feel anything you don’t like (fear, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, stress) it’s easy to toss that sh*t as far deep as you can and numb their cries for help. I thought there was only drugs and alcohol, but physically dissapearing from your friendship, food, shopping, gambling, digging yourself into your work, exercise, the fricken internet, your phone, caffeine, busyness, pretending to be happy all that shit, especially what we’re doing right now self-help. It’s all to avoid actually feeling all this stuff going on in our head.

But you like I actually enjoy all these things. Yo same. But the tricky thing is things that start out as comfort can easily be swallowed and they grow into numbing mechanisms. Like fricken video games, you can drown yourself at them cause it avoids having to actually deal with the mess in front of you. That’s what checking out/ numbing is.

The Solution is Always: Ask Why

Same shit as before because we’ve been pushing all these feelings down it’s gonna take awhile to dig em back up. We’re gonna have to dig deep to figure out why. Like why we numbing for?

What is the problem you think (your numbing mechanism) will solve?
  • What are you trying to push away in your life by numbing?
    • Stress: Ye, but what else?
    • What’s under the stress?
    • What would happen if you crumbled under the stress?
    • What is that?

For me the answer is usually failure, fear, anxiety, critisicm, I mean the list goes on. Mans just tryna be perfect out here, but this sh*t aint helping so numbing “ignoring” the imperfections feels like it help.

Eight Tools To Dig This Stuff Up

Name That Feeling!

I know it sounds dumb but just trust the process. When you have the feeling of whatever you’re tryna numb pop up just pick one word to name it. This is like the best tool to become aware of the stuff you been numbing cause it’s though to notice something you been doing for years.

Controlled Emotions

schedule time for you to feel what you feeling. like cry and shit

llow yourself to be confused

It’s been years, sometimes feelings morph onto each other you don’t know what it is. That’s okay too

Accept What You're Feeling

I dunno bout you but I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve to feel the way I do. I think the feelings make me weak and that i shouldn’t be that wya. but realistically you have no control what you feel. You feel what you feel literally. You wouldn’t get mad at yourself for feeling burned from touching the stove. it literally happened. so same for emotions, understand it happened and accept what you’re feeling.

^ This Again. It's what you feel and not others

People are probably gonna tell you to feel some type of way. or tell you that you don’t need to feel that way. but yo. it’s you. theyd idn’t go through whatever you did. if that’s how you feel. own it. it’s yours. 

Get Curious about your feelings

if you’re judging, shunning, or getting angry. ask yourself why. like i said what we’re looking for is deep. The solution is usually to ask why. There’s answers when you dig deeper

Talk

So it’s what im doing right now. I’m talking about things I didn’t even know existed so clearly this shit helps cause I mean it seems to be helping me. It’s not some overnight thing but like visually seeing it in writing or talking it out loud will clear nuff things for you. it helps we can;’t do everything in our head. we’re just not made that way.

Trust Yourself

it feels like opening pandoras box. so it takes time. you don’t need to do it right away, you can trust yourself to deal with it. and trust yourself that you will take out what you can handle. 

That's just everyday shit, what about

REAL LIFE?!?!

Run towards it. We limited on time. Running away is easier. Know your feelings are real, they aren’t wrong and real life appreciates when you’re real. with the eight tools you can deal with this shit. and you’ll appreciate yourself for spending time with your loved ones. 

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • In what ways do you numb out?
  • Why are you doing it? Dig deep and think about whats underneath
  • of al the tools listed to help you feel your feelings, which are the hardest for you? Which can you commit to trying?
  • Journal on the following questions
    • what idf our feelings were just perfect for us?
    • what if none of our feelings were bad or wrong
    • what if feeling your feelings were just a part of being human

Managing Comparisons

Comparisons and The Imposter Syndrome

whether you think you compare youself or dont. it’s like a biological thing that you set up expectations for yourself. so how do we stop feeling liek shit about not measuring up?

Own Your Accomplishments

Control What You Can

unfollow wastemanz on instagram, 

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • What or whom do you compare yourself to the most?
  • What are some changes you can commit to and make that will help you not get triggered into comparisons
  • Write up your list of successes
  • Is there anything you call “inspirational” but its actually making you feel worse? What can you do about that?

Self Sabotage

What are you actually avoiding?

It’s always deeper than what you think it is. Always ask why. Like why you loafting for? what are you avoiging? what do you think would happen if your worst scenario actually happens? Write that shit down cause you wont be able to see it with out actually seeing it written down cause our brain likes to cloud shit up

Do The Work

lol easy said than done i know lol. So this what the book says to do:

  • List what you actually want
  • Then make a list of what you’re afraid might happen

Ask For Help

someimtes you need a kickstart. if youre car broke down like you prolly wont try to push it yourself. get ur friends to help you out. i mean thats your squad you’d do the same for your homies. its okay to ask for help. just do it

And Always

Done is better than perfect

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • If you self-sabotage, do you do it consciously or unconsciously?
  • Digging deeper, why do you think you self-sabotage?
  • What is it that you really want? Not the “things” but the feelings and experiences you think you’ll get from them?
  • What is it that you’re afraid of underneath it all?
  • Who is the person you can share this with?
  • What kind of imperfect, scared, and courageous action will you choose?

More Imposter Syndrome

What are you actually avoiding?

Do The Work

lol easier said than done. i know lol. So what the hell are we supposed to do when we feel this guy sneak up on us. Well this what the book says to do:

  • List what you actually want
  • Then make a list of what you’re afraid might happen

But for real. We’re never gonna stop with the writing. It’s a long tedious process of always asking why and uncover the deeper stuff we try to hide with out shit. Sometimes that not enough though so here’s that extra you might not be ready for.

I Mean if It Were True That'd Be Pretty Lit

Just take it in. Like really imagine if you were truly incompetent and you were like somehow capable of getting everyone to believe you were this waste. One it’s like extremely unlikely that you would have made it this far. And Two like if you were incompetent I mean its pretty talented you got this far. and i mean you were pretty dedicated to put in this much time and work so either way you kinda deserve to make it this far cause i mean its pretty impressive. But that’s not the point cause I don’t think you’re doing that. Like atleast with this perspective you can own some of those accomplishments. 

Own Instead of Minimizing

Yea I mean it’s only one ting. Or nah I just simply ran some tings. STOP.

We’re too much tryna stay humble. We’re not tryna be Kanye here but try to channel that shit cause it’s actually pretty hard. Own your shit. you’re awesome. Watch your language and any time you try to minimize stuff just fucking own it. So just give it a shot. Cut out words like

  • just
  • merely
  • simply
  • only

Say I fucking did that. I’m awesome. I’m the reason this shit is amazing.

LLOw The Compliments

I’m guilty of this and I deflect, dodge and divert all compliments. I dunno why we do it but this is like one of the main reasons imposter syndrome is prevelent. Just let it happen if you can’t own it just hear them. dont dash em away just listen to em. If you can thank it and just fucking absorb it even better. but I dunno how to do that yet so just fuckinbg bask in it first cause thats the easiest step then you can start swimmin in it and let it all happen/

What Expectations Did You Set?

Even if you didn’t know you probably set up some expectations for yourself and you’re cheesed cause you didn’t reach it. So let’s figure out what that is.

  1. Where is the bar set?
    • Same as before. Write out what you expect of yourself in differetn areas of your life (be honest)
  2. Figure out why you feel ike a fraud
  3. Own Your accomplishments

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • If you feel that you have the imposter complex, what are your secret thoughts about it? In other words, what does you inner critic speficially say about you being a fraud?
  • Where do you think your feelings of beig an imposter came from?
  • Have you been setting too-high standards for yourself? If So, where can youease up?
  • Wheree can you own your accomplishments? Is there anything you’ve been pushing aside that you can affirm and perhaps be proud of?

Treat Yo' self

Stop The People Pleasing

lol regardless if you own of these people or not this is still a very important chapter. But those of you that are like me and we’re just a little too polite, we needa talk. You are also important so it’s a reminder to treat your self. 

People like us tend to put other’s needs before our own. While that makes us like nice people, it’s actually pretty detrimental for ourselves. Because we wont even notice when we put ourselves on the back burner because we’re so focused on making everyone around us happy. We’ll be busy doing things like planning events, doing peoples favours, we always sayign yes, you just out here doing the most but not even for yourself.

Rachel (my gf) says this to me the best is that if we on the air plane going down you gotta put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you go and thry to help everybody else. (also a medium/spirit reader told me i need to work on that lol)

You are Not responsible for other people's feelings

Something that might cross your mind if you’re the type of person that just wants to make everyone around you happy. You have NO CONTROL over their feelings. lol just take it in, like how you gonna try to make somebody else feel something? That’s not your job nor within our feasible abilities. 

Now I know this is harder to wrap our heads around than just saying it. But it is a good statement to keep in the back of you head. We are NOT Responsible for how others are feeling. 

If you’re anything like me just knowing something never feels like enough. So, to flip this statement to something in an actionable way, or an ability to understand it through actions. As long as you have conducted your self in a way you’re proud of, their feelings are their own and at the end of the day you have no control over them. 

This doesn’t give you a right to be an asshole lol but if you’re reading this im assuming you’re more like me and forget that there’s something too nice. you gotta take care of yourse;f too. so yea just remember to be kind, be considerate and then try to not worry about controlling other’s feelings.

Don't Take Things Personally

I dunno bout you but I still feel like everythings my fault lol. The second something goes wrong my mind jumps to conclusions that I messed something up. 

  • Are you mad at me? Do they hate me? What did I do? 

I think this stems from our all-or-nothing mentallity and it becomes pretty unhealthy after awhile. So what can we do about it? We’ll like I said the nice thing about this book is it’s constant reminder to be kind to yourself. Try your best to not things personally, but I mean we’re human so that’s going to happen so when it does. IT’s alright let yourself feel that, acknowledge it, and just try your best to not let it destroy you. lol thats what you gotta do!

But as always our brains will probably tell us theres not enough to do so heres some mroe.

  

How To Say No

Some poeple are really good at saying no, the people pleasers? not so much lol. We’re not the greatest at being able to tell others that we don’t want to do something. Cause like if they need help wouldn’t we wanna help them? We want to be able to help everyone around us and we want them to be happy right? 

But if it brings on more stress and it’s not healthy for you we gotta be able to fix that right? So how do we do that?

1. Express Gratititude

2. Explain How You Feel

3. Ask for what you need

be specific. It’s already difficult to do this whole thing so take that extra mile to be confident and clear about what you want/need.

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • If you’re an approval seeker and/or people pleaser, why do you think you do it?
  • What are you afraid might happen if you don’t do it?
  • In what situations or with whom do you feel that you are responsible for other’s feelings?
  • do you feel that you take most things personally? How can you pull back on that?
  • What boundaries do you need to set? Which ones are you willing to have conversations about?

Perfectionism

We Will Never Think We're Perfectionists

I’ve never been able to own this title but if you’ve ever been called a perfectionist, you’re most likely one to strive for success, excellence and betterment. And while those are all good words, it’s what tends to destroy us from the inside. It’s hindering us from living a full life. So, how do we make sure it’s not detrimental? Well its not easy but here are a few tings.

How To Deal With Criticism

SMART Goals

Be Kind To Yourself

List What You;re Afraid Of

More Hard Questions to Ask Yourself

  • Can you pinpoint where your perfectionism comes from? If so, can you reexamine the origins of these stories and challenge any of the beliefs that were created there?
  • What are you making up not being a perfectionist is?
  • How can you deal with criticism in a more intentional way? Also, what stories do you make up in your head about yourself when you receive criticism  or even feedback?
  • What do you need to give yourself permission for that will help you not set overly high expectations ?
  • what is perfectionsim costing you?

"Staying Strong"

Feeling Like Shit?

Conclusion: Don't Worry It's Not Your Fault

We were never taught how to deal with our emotions properly. But we have the ability to learn. If not to make you feel better, do it for the next generation. We can learn about our emotional up keep and pass on good habits. Like a morning routine. it’s your emotional hygiene. So start small and these 14 habits will take you a long way!

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