It’s been a minute since a legitimate public word vomit and I think a new year is a good time to do that so if I want to back track what’s going on in my head thisll be a good place to look. 2020 has been a hectic year. Losing my mom really fucked me up and I’m so lost. I have no diea what to do. I don’t like making personal information super public but I think it’s important for . I dunno what the fuck im trying to say. So I’m just going to keep word vomiting.
The only question that I feel like that give me something to do is: “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life”. My brainand thoughts are plagued with the thought of “I just want to disappear”, “the world would be better off without me” and that’s a really messed up way of waking up. If that’s all you hear in the morning, it’s not likely that you’ll have a good day but somehow after 27?28?years I’m still here so thats a good thing.
Is it possible to get “rid” of that thought? Probably not, I think I’ve come to terms that everyone will feel this way at some point but I think the frequency and prominence of these thoughts and feelings of derpesssion are variable and it seems if you are preoccupied enough you can “forget” about it sometimes and I think thats a good goal to strive for?
So how do I address the thought “What do I want to do with my life”? I think this article puts it pretty well that my biggest issue is that I feel as if I no longer have an interest in anything. I just feel as if all my personality if I ever had any. Or all my interests and my ability to enjoy doing anything has been wiped from me. I feel like I’m a grey slate. Like the blandest thing that has no emotions, reactivity or ability to do anything. I think complacency is terrible (“the worst thing”) but I feel like that’s exactly who I am now. I don’t do shit. I don’t do anything and I feel like a wasteman. And while I despise that, it seems like im not doing anything to change that so what the fuck can I do?
I think what I was trying to get at it the feeling of disconnect and emptiness. And not know what I ll;ike to do anymore is from years of not meeting my expectations of myself. Its tru theres so many thing that I want to do, however I have done shit all. I always want to do this extravagent thing but from planning ends on ends I don’t do aynything so we’re left with nothing. So rather than pouting and crying over “missed opportunity” spilled milk, etc. All we can do is move forward and actually do something about it.
So what is it that I want to do?
- I want to track my family l;ienage
- Create a successful YouTube channel (what do you want to talk about?)
- Self-help, technology, finances,
- Life, tech and finances
- Build my blog with that
- I don’t really wanna do websites anymore so I don’t need to do that.
This quora explabnation was the most human answer Iv’er ead in awhile and I really appreciate it https://www.quora.com/How-is-it-possible-that-I-dont-know-what-I-like-nor-my-passion-or-interest
Just do anything that has a sliver of interest. And keep finding new things. Nothing had to be exact, stationary and its not a life sentence.However what needs to remain consistence is your perseverance of finding whatever that calling is .Just go out and do something